It’s 6:05 in the morning, Alfred steps off his front porch and starts his jog down the street toward the park. The ground is wet and leaves are scattered everywhere. Alfred gets to the park, but out of nowhere something rams into him and he falls over.
“Watch it!” screams Alfred as he jumps off the ground and brushes the dirt off is pants. He extends a hand down to the smaller boy on the ground.
“Snifel, snifel, sorry I didn’t see you” the boy seemed to be on the verge of tears. Alfred helps him up and soon discovers that the little boys name is David.
“What are you doing out by yourself this early in the morning?” Alfred questions.
“I’m running away from my mother” David solemnly replies.
“Why would you run away from your mother?” asked Alfred
“My mother is very mean to me” replied David, “she often beats me and makes me do all the chores, and she rarely feeds me.” sobs David
“I can’t take it anymore, I just had to leave.” David is now heavily crying.
“Where are you going to go?” David asked. Do you have a relative or something where you can stay?”
“No I don’t, but anywhere is better than that my mothers house.” replied David
“Umm, well if you have nowhere to go than you can come to my house we can get you some food and you can stay for a little bit until you figure out where you’re going to go.” Alfred says
“Really, I mean I don’t want to impose, these are my problems I don’t want to make them yours!” shoots David
“No, my aunt pearl helps lost and hurt kids all the time it would be no problem.” Says David
“Well……., ok thank you so much!”
“Come on lets go back to my house, but first I have to go somewhere.”
“That’s fine with me.” replied David
Alfred and David walked side by side silently until they reached a small beat up building.
“What is this place?” questioned David “I’ve never seen it before.”
“This is the place where I spend most of my time.” replied Alfred“It’s the boxing arena” “I’m sorry but I have to do my morning workout.” “Is that okay?”
“Yeah diffidently, I’ll wait, besides I could learn a thing or two.”
After Alfred did some crunches, hit the peanut bag, and shadow boxed, he decided he could end his workout.
“Ok we can go know.” said Alfred On the way to Alfred’s house David did not stop talking about how much fun boxing looked, and how he wished that he could box too. Alfred said he would try to talk to Mr.Donatelli if David could try. When they got to Alfred’s house Alfred went in first to clarify everything that had happened to David. Aunt pearl came out and properly greeted David and assured him that he would not be treated like his mother treated him anymore. The next day Aunt pearl went to court to get custody of David and she got it. David never saw his mother again, and was very happy about it. David later went on to write about his experience, but how it was all turned around when he met Alfred and his aunt Pearl.
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3 comments:
i really liked reading your story about alfred and david.it felt good to me that i lived in a good home because i wouldnt want my mom hitting me.i remember how they collided in the park. i can picture the mom beating david. you discribed it well. this story made me think about how my mom is the total opposite of davids mother.
the conversation between the 2 people did seem authentic.the things that made the charactors real is that alfred goes to the gym and davids mother beats him. the author could have included more dialog.
my favorite part of the story is when they both collided into each other.
distracting to me was that david needed a place to stay and thats all he cared about. there was run on sentences and miss use of puinction.
some advice is to make the story more interesting and talk more about what your talking about.
I- I thought the story was well written. I feel that the story was proofread well and that there were very few distracting errors in grammar or spelling. I think there should have been some more description about how David ran away from his mother and where he lived. I see two people running into each other by pure chance. The ideas in my head after reading this story are two people running into each other and becoming friends after getting to know each other a little bit. This story made me think about how you can run into someone one minute and know next to nothing about them and the next minute be best friends.
II- Yes the conversation between the two characters seemed authentic. The details that made the characters seem real and natural were the facts about what happened to David and why he ran away.
III- My favorite part of the story was when David was describing why he left. The author used good details that helped me picture what he was really going through. “My mother is very mean to me” replied David, “she often beats me and makes me do all the chores, and she rarely feeds me.” sobs David. This helps me picture how he’s really feeling.
IV- One thing about the essay that I found distracting were a few simple spelling mistakes. If you proofread the story a little better you could have picked out those mistakes and fixed them.
V- One piece of advice the author should consider for future writing assignments is proofreading better. By proofreading a little better you could’ve picked out those mistakes and fixed them.
I really liked how kind Alfred was and offered to take him in his own house so he could have a better life even though he just met David. After reading his story it comforts me that I live in a good home yet there are still so many kids out there who have no idea what it is like to have a real family. I remember how when Alfred went to box David was inspired and wanted to box himself. The image I see is when David and Alfred bump into eachother at the park. I think this story should have had more description about how Aunt Pearl gains custody because I don't think just after one day she would be David's gaurdian. This makes me think about how I want to be able to take in children and care for them.
The conversation between the two characters did seem authentic except I think there could have been a little more conversation between the two. The story made David seem real because he was running away from home trying to get away and he was so upset about the fact. The author could have had more dialouge between the two.
My favorite part of the story was when aunt Pearl got custody of David. "Aunt pearl came out and properly greeted David and assured him that he would not be treated like his mother treated him anymore." This stood out to me because i now know that David is safe and his mother can not hurt him anymore which makes me feel good.
I think this story could be improved if it had more detail. When David is telling Alfred about his life, they could have had David tell Alfred more about his life instead of just saying she was mean. Some words were spelt wrong.
Next time you should consider telling us more about David's life and maybe how his life was after he lived with Alfred.
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