When little David finally got away from his drunken mother he went to New York, because he wanted to be as far away as he could, and he always wanted to go to New York.. When he was finally adopted by Alfred it was the happiest day of his life. David was in 6th grade, and only had the rags for clothes that his mother had given to him. John was an amateur boxer and was tall and thin.
“Hello David, I am Alfred,” John said when he met David.
“Hello Alfred,” David said and smiled.
“I am here to take you home with me,” Alfred replied.
David didn’t say anything he just looked up and smile.
When they got back to Alfred’s house in queens Alfred said to David, “Why were you put up for adoption?”
David replied with a saddened look on his face, “When I was little my mother used to beat me. If I ever said anything about it she beat me more and no one believed me other than my teachers. One time when she was drunk she was threatening to kill me, which she always did, and the knife that she was holding in her hand fell out and hit me in the gut. I didn’t even get food that night because it took me more than 30 minutes to do my chores.”
“That’s awful,” replied Alfred with a disgusted look on his face.
“What about you though, what do u do?” asked David to change the subject.
“I am an amateur boxer down at the gym, I have fights every Saturday, and I work down at the food store. I started fighting when some kids tried to rob the food store but I didn’t tell them about the silent alarm and some of them got caught. I mean I didn’t mean to not tell them I just forgot, but they blamed me and they were after me so I had no choice, at the time I was skinny and didn’t know how to fight. Let me show you around the house and the area. Here is the kitchen not much,” Alfred brings David from the living room through the doorway into the kitchen which had a table and on one wall there was a row of cabinets with a sink in the middle and a stove, on the other side there was the fridge, “down the hallway is where our rooms are,” first door on the right is where David’s room is, it has a bed and a desk for him to do homework, “ and this is my room” he points to the room on the other side with his bed and bureau.”
“I like my room; I used to have to sleep in the garage on a cot,” said David.
“You get a bed here, and later we’ll get you some clothes too,” replied Alfred, “Ok now for the city, nothing much,” said Alfred as he walks out the front door with David, “ basically just some buildings, down there is the food store and the park, and up the other was is the gym where I train. Ok now we should go get you some clothes, unless you want to eat first?”
“I would rather eat first,” replied David quickly.
“Ok I have chicken or pork, mashed potatoes and green beans,” said Alfred
“Can we have chicken?” asked David
“Sure we can,” answered Alfred.
So Alfred and David when back inside the house and into the kitchen, Alfred started to cook the chicken, mashed potatoes and the green beans, he made extras for David. They then ate the food, and like what Alfred had thought David was going to have extras. Later after dinner Alfred took David and bought him some new clothes that actually fit, today was the happiest day of David’s life.
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I liked this story! I think It was well-written and I like how he included many details from his reading. but I don't think he used enough details from A Child Called It. After reading "The Boy Who Found his Way" by Tom Antunes, I felt happy that David was given a better life by Alfred than he could ever have gotten before! I can see them walking down the street of New York going to get new clothes. I thought that was nice. This story made me think about what it would actually be like if I were living in the lives of either one of those characters. I don't think I would be able to live in New York City because there is too much hecticness. I also would not like to live like David, and i don't think anyone would.
I liked the conversation between David and Alfred because it seemed somewhat real. The only problem with it is that it seems a little bit awkward. It doesn't seem like a conversation that any two people would usually have, but keeping in mind that they are both young boys, it makes sense. I think that you could've made this story better if you would've written more adjectives to describe the events happening and the people along with it.
My favorite part of the story was “You get a bed here, and later we’ll get you some clothes too,” replied Alfred, “Ok now for the city, nothing much,” said Alfred as he walks out the front door with David, “ basically just some buildings, down there is the food store and the park, and up the other was is the gym where I train. Ok now we should go get you some clothes, unless you want to eat first?”. I liked that part because that showed how nice Alfred was to David and that he actually cared about what happened to David. he seems like a good person and the type of person that you want to have as a friend.
One thing about this story that I found as a problem was the punctuation. In some of the parts of this story, the punctuation doesn't make one bit of sense. It could change the whole meaning of the sentence and that could lead to changing the way the whole stories' tone is. I also think that some of the paragraphs are a little too long and could either be condensed or split into two paragraphs.
When writing in the future, I think you should practice the way you put quotations around the dialogue. You begin it alright, but at the end of the quote, it kind of falls apart. you put some of the commas and periods in the wrong places. I really liked how you gave parts of the story so much enthusiasm though. That made it exciting to read!
Congrats Tom! Good Job!
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