Dave made his way over to the kitchen table to eat dinner when he remembered that he wasn’t getting dinner tonight. He had just made his way to the table and as he turned around to leave mother called him. "Yes mother", Dave replied. "Your cousin Ender is coming to pay us a visit tonight so I want you to be on your best behavior. He just got his chip removed and he is feeling a little weird so please don’t bother or be a pest to him", mother said. Dave just thought to himself how much he hated Ender. He always got his way but yet the kids at school always picked on him so Dave would be nice to him. "Not this time", Dave said to himself. Mother then removed Dave from the kitchen table immediately and told him to go clean out a room for Ender so he would have a nice place to stay. Dave let out a huge sigh as he walked away. Mother heard it but she was way too hungry to have to deal with him now so she decided to wait till later to give that little kid a beating and really make him let out his breath. Before they Dave knew it, it was already 8:00pm and Ender was going to be coming over any minute now and Dave was dreading each second. When the knock at the door came Dave jumped like a jackrabbit and fell off the little chair that he had been resting on. Mother yelled from her room as she was smearing and pasting on her makeup in the mirror, "Dave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get off your lazy butt and go open the door for your cousin!" "Yes Mother", replied Dave as he very slowly, like a snail, made his way to open the door.
"Cousin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How has it been going?" cried Ender as he made his way through the door and practically tackled Dave to the ground. "It’s been going good Ender. Almost died a couple times though from mother’s games…. But I’m ok," said Dave. "Ah, good old auntie", Ender replied. Dave just stared at Ender and he could feel his anger raging and rising, but he had to keep it under control because if he blew his top who knows what would come out of it. Mother came out of her room and she looked like a clown. Dave sucked in his breathe trying so hard not to laugh and he managed to keep himself under control. Mother went over to Ender and hugged him so tightly it reminded Dave of a stress ball and Dave knew mother was stressed. Dave slowly started to walk away because he wasn’t needed anymore here and he knew it. "Cousin wait! You have to see my neck! The plate chip thing isn’t there anymore! It hurt like heck when they took it out, but that’s ok its all good now", yelled Ender. Dave became fascinated and decided to go over and see Enders neck. He figured why not? He asked him to didn’t he? It would be wrong to refuse that right? So Dave went to Ender and Ender bent over so that way Dave would get an amazing view of the space that was empty of plate now. "That Must feel weird", said Dave. "You have no idea", Ender replied. "Come on boys were going to get ice cream", mother said. "Ice cream", said Dave to himself, "I never have ice cream! I love Ender more now! Woo hoo!" Ender then hit Dave waking him up from is spaced out moment of talking to himself, and they left for ice cream.
We all walked into the ice cream parlor as we made our way up to the counter mother stopped me and told me that I wasn’t getting any. I knew it was too good to be true. As Ender got his ice cream Dave watched wishing that he had gotten an amazing ice cream like Ender did. " Hey cousin, why didn’t you get an ice cream?" Ender asked Dave. "Mother didn’t allow me to get one", Dave replied. Ender gave Dave an uncertain look and then decided he was going to be nice. Ender walked over to mother and told her to buy Dave an ice cream because he deserves one with all the dirt he deals with he deserves to be rewarded with something. Mother, in shock, made her way to the ice cream parlor counter and ordered Dave an ice cream then brought it over to him. "Here you go Dave", mother said trying to force a smile that Dave knew had absolutely no feeling that went with it. Ender and Dave then became pretty good friends and relatives and now that Ender had changed he had finally noticed the way that Dave gets treated and he didn’t like it one bit. Ender ended up staying for a couple days and then he had to return to his family because he hadn’t seen them for a while since he has been in the game for a long period of time. Dave will never forget the day that Ender, his cousin and new best friend, got mother to buy him an ice cream.
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3 comments:
I- After reading this story, I felt a little relieved that David did get to have an ice cream cone. But I knew that it wasn’t really a happy ending, because the abuse and hurt didn’t really stop. I mainly remember how mean Dave’s mother was in the story. I saw crude images of “Mothers Games” that David had to play. I read the book A Child Called It too, and I remember those parts vividly. The story made me think about how lucky I am to have the great life I live, and how happy I am. Also, it made me think about the deprived kids that actually have even worse lives than David. So, it made me thankful for myself.
II- The conversation did seem authentic, because Desiree used slang and teenage lingo that kids would talk with. Also, when David followed his mom’s orders, it seemed just like the book when he just muttered- Yes mother. So that also made it believable.
III- “When the knock at the door came Dave jumped like a jackrabbit and fell off the little chair that he had been resting on.” I think this was a great use of imagery to help you picture what was going on at that exact moment in the story. If someone just said he got up, that wouldn’t really help you get that mental picture like this quote does.
IV- There weren’t too many things wrong with this story; just I think there was an overuse of exclamation points at some points. Also, the word said was used a lot. I think there are other ways you could spice up the speech instead of just that. Lastly, I think you should explain a little more about ender, because one who hasn’t read it (like me) might be confused. “Why does he have a chip?” would be one question I wondered about.
V- I think in the future for writing creative writing Desiree doesn’t really need much improvement. Overall, the story was great, and had a simple but yet nice plot. I really enjoyed reading the essay, and I was deeply engaged into it. I hope other people feel like I do because I think she deserves a bucket load of good credit for this writing.
After reading Desiree’s story, it made me wonder what Ender’s chip was all about. I’ve never read ender’s game, so it got me interested in the story. Personally, I think that the story ended kind of abruptly. I would like to know what happened next. The story pulled me in, but I think that there should have been more of a plot to the story.
The way the characters spoke to one another was very realistic. The thing that made Dave lifelike was the way that he felt towards Ender and how he expressed those emotions. His mother was also very lifelike because of the way she spoke and thought about him. Ender seemed realistic because of the way he interacted with Dave. It seemed like he was actually Dave’s cousin. I think a way to improve on this is to put more of the characters from the story in it and have them speak as well.
“We all walked into the ice cream parlor as we made our way up to the counter mother stopped me and told me that I wasn’t getting any.” I think this line from her essay is very much like the way the author of A Child Called It wrote his book. It jumped out at me because of this.
The punctuation errors are distracting. For example, every time someone spoke, she would put the comma after the quotation marks and on the sentence above, there should have been some commas in it. Improper punctuation is my pet peeve, so I think I may be exaggerating a bit. Other than that, there were some misspellings ,she could use some more diverse vocabulary.
As I said before, the ending was abrupt and there wasn’t much of a plot. There was also the fact that in the middle of the essay, the narrator changed. First, the narrator was the author, but then it changed to Dave’s point of view. Next time, try to create a better plot, fix punctuation errors and stay in the same perspective.
I really liked this essay and thought the characters came to life.
After reading this story I feel a little confused on the personalities of David and ender, but I also liked the idea of how the characters came together, and I am interested in reading enders game after hearing about the chips.
The authenticity between the characters was questionable, because there was very little background given on the characters, and It was very startling to read that david was open to ender, his distant cousin, about his relationship with mother. However, I liked the was you portrayed David not liking ender at first, and how their relationship changed once ender got David the ice cream.
My favorite part of the story was when ender stood up to mother. A quote I liked was "Ender walked over to mother and told her to buy Dave an ice cream because he deserves one with all the dirt he deals with he deserves to be rewarded with something." I liked mothers reaction and i think that was very realistic.
I think that the dialogue needed improvement, in that there was a comma after every ending of dialogue, and how you showed emotion in the dialogue.
I think in the future you should improve your writing of dialogue and punctuation within dialogue so that the reader can understand your good use of descriptive words more clearly.
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