As Rebecca was in her perfect vacation spot, a Californian town for her yearly visit she sensed that something was different about this trip. It wasn’t as special as her past trips had been, like meeting all of her old friends, it was a special feeling that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. As she was taking her normal walk on the beach shore she saw a boy quite younger than her by himself crying on the rock that she normally rested at. Rebecca was not a person to go off schedule or ruin her routine. She quietly sat at the rock next to the completely distraught boy. Once the boy noticed that Becca was sitting there he pulled his head high and tried to stop the tears by his occasional sniffling.
Out of kindness and curiosity she asked, “Is there any way I can help?” There was a long pause before his answer but the light waves split the silence.
“Not really,” sniffled the boy. His blue eyes were red with the intense crying, his brown hair was in desperate need of a cut and besides some small scars on his face he was quite a handsome young man.
“Well, may I at least ask what is wrong?”
“Family problems,” the boy said. He seemed to be staring out into the open Pacific Ocean like there was an answer to all his problems.
“Well I know a lot about those,” said Becca “I have had quite a few, I would say more a mystery than a problem, I may be able to help you.”
“I doubt it. I have been troubled for a long time and mine problem isn’t any mystery.” He paused and brought his voice down to a low whimper. “It’s a crime.” When he said that he stared at Becca, her blue eyes and her long brown hair with the most intense feeling in his eyes they both looked like they were on the edge of tears.
“Well than, you couldn’t have done anything that bad now.” Becca was looking down at the boy who couldn’t have been more than twelve.
“Oh no, it wasn’t me, it was,” the boy stammered.” It was my my mother. She is an alcoholic and abused me”
“Oh little little boy…”
“My name is David, David Pelzer.” He interrupted.
“Pelzer, Pelzer is that really your last name?”
“Yes as far as I know. Why?”
“Well I spent time in Poland, more like family time. While I was there I looked through my family files to see if I could find any information about some lost ancestors and Pelzer was one of the key names in my family.”
“Really? Do you think we could be related?”
“I wouldn’t doubt it!” Becca and David had both beamed at the thought of having some kind of lost relative.
“That would be the best thing that has ever happened to me. My mother stopped talking to the people on her side of the family and the same for my father’s side. “
“So we might be related some how.” David said with a smile
“What is your father’s name?” Becca asked just as intrigued at the thought as David.
“Stephen Pelzer,” David said with some hope in his eyes.
“Well that would be valuable information. Where are you parents?” Becca asked, suddenly noticing that David had been alone for some time and no one had come looking for him.
“My foster parents are over there but they don’t care about me and I don’t care about them,” David said very crossly.
“Maybe I should have a talk with them. I could bring my copies of the family history to them and to social services and maybe we could work something out.”
ONE MONTH LATER
“Okay Becca, he’s all yours!” the social worker said.
“Finally!” Becca and David said in unison.
After a month from there first meeting David and Becca had finally become a family. It turned out that Becca and David had been second cousins. Since the families had never spoken neither one had known they were related. David was removed from foster care and was now in the custody of Becca. David had been through so much abuse that he was finally happy that a family member would actually treat him right. Becca was glad to be with David and have some one to take care of. All in all they both had gotten what they needed and were happy.
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4 comments:
My personal reaction to the story was I felt glad that things worked out for David and Becca. What I remember the most is that when Becca went to Poland to find out about her family, she looked up files and found that David’s father had been related to her. I can see David sitting on the rock with the tears running down his face talking to Becca while the waves crash on the beach. The story made me think about how bad children with abused pasts had to live.
Yes the conversation between the two characters seemed authentic. The details about the characters that made them seem real and natural was how Becca reacted to how David was acting and what he said to him.
“She quietly sat at the rock next to the completely distraught boy.” This line stood out to me because of the details of the boy and how I can picture this scene. This line also shows that Becca is going to take time to talk to the young boy and learn about his problems.
Something that is problematic is how in real-life, it would take longer than a month for a child from foster care to be put into the custody of a person or family. Also, you have to be a certain age to adopt a child, which would be an issue if Becca was not old enough.
Next time, try to explain the setting more clearly because I wasn’t sure if they were at the beach or just near one. Also, I am not sure what Becca looks like and what her age is. You missed a few commas, but that is not a big issue.
-Allie B.
My personal reaction to Mia Scagliarini’s story is happy. This is because Becca helped poor David with his problems. What I remember is how Becca went to Poland and found that her ancestor was Pelzer and David was actually related to her. I see David on the rock looking into the ocean. The story made me think about orphans being adopted by people that take care of them for the rest of their lives.
The conversation between the two people seemed very authentic. That the boy was on the rock crying and Becca would naturally feel sorry for him and ask him what was wrong.
“Well I spent time in Poland, more like family time. While I was there I looked through my family files to see if I could find any information about some lost ancestors and Pelzer was one of the key names in my family.”
I like it because it was the reason that David was saved.
Something I found problematic was how everything happened so quickly, with Becca recognizing that they shared the same ancestors and that you have to be a certain age to adopt a child.
Next time I would consider trying to give a little more detail about the people and what they are doing.
- Thomas S.
This story was very good, and had a great ending. It made me very happy to find that David and Becca ended up happy together. In the story the image that I see clearly is when David is sitting on the rock crying. Mia used very good descriptive words that give the reader a sense of imagination for the story.
The conversations in this story were very good, and authentic. All of it seemed very natural, and Mia used very sophisticated language, like when she said, “his blue eyes were red with the intense crying, his brown hair was in desperate need of a cut,” and when she said, “he seemed to be staring out into the open Pacific Ocean like there was an answer to all his problems.”
One of my favorite parts from the story was when, “Finally!” Becca and David said in unison.” This was one of my favorite parts because it shows the happiness in David and Becca. This stood out for me because it showed how there lives where both going to change, and for the better. I liked how this story ended happily.
Something that I found problematic was how David and Becca actually met, and also how the custody was turned over to Becca, who is a child, in such a short amount of time. I think that David and Becca meeting was problematic because the chances of them being in the same place and finding out they’re related by talking to a complete stranger is very, very unlikely. Although it is still possible this could happen. Plus the custody would take longer than a month because they would have to prove she David’s second cousin, and they couldn’t turn David over to a child, it would have to happen with Becca’s parents. Although this story has problematic events, it was still very good.
Mia, the author, doesn’t have that much to change in her next piece of writing. This story was very good, and I could tell that she had proofread it because I couldn’t identify any errors. But maybe she could try fixing or excluding problematic parts of the story.
I personally thought that this was a really good story. It really kept me reading on especially when it got to the one month later part. I felt horrible when David was crying and it made me wish that I could be there to help. I then got happy though when I discovered that they might be related because that poor kid needed someone to take care of him and actually love him unlike his mother. In the end when I found out they were related, it actually made me grin and smile because it was so great knowing that he was put into good hands. I hope that if there are kids out there who are in the same situation as Dave, I hope they are getting help like Dave got because that’s what every kid deserves.
The conversation of the two characters really made a lot of sense. You could really make out what they were saying and it seemed really good. Mia made it seem like the conversation was actually taking place. By having Dave interrupt Rebecca like that, it seems like something that would happen if It really was a real life conversation. She did great with that and made sure that we kept following. I think that she didn’t use too much talking and that’s good because there wouldn’t be a lot of talking going on in a situation like this and she just made it seem like it was really there and that these people really exist.
“His blue eyes were red with the intense crying, his brown hair was in desperate need of a cut and besides some small scars on his face he was quite a handsome young man.” was my favorite part of the story. I thought that Mia did such a fantastic job of really making you imagine what this kid looks like. I also think that she made the reader really start to feel what Dave was feeling because the way that she describe him, I mean, it just makes you want to go “awwwwwww” and cry because you can just imagine how this kid is feeling right now and he has nobody there. I think that its great how she included his hair and said it needed cutting because that makes it even easier to imagine what the kid looked like and it doesn’t seem very good.
I didn’t find anything really problematic or anything with the story. I thought it was great and I really don’t think you need to change anything. If I could give you advice on this though it would be to make your ending better. You made it sound all amazing and got me all excited because I mean he just found a relative and he gets to move in with her ! Then the story just ends there and it leaves you hanging. You wonder how living with his cousin went? Or if mother came looking and trying to get him back? You just needed a little more to it because it seemed like it ended really quick. It seemed you were onto something and then you lost it so you decided to just end it and that’s depressing because I really enjoyed your story and I wish the ending could have had more.
In the future I think that the only thing to look out for is the ending. You had everything else great and you should keep up with that. The detail was fabulous and you just blew me away. When I was reading this I actually would read that if it was a book because just that shoirt story got me so interested and I want to know and learn more about what happens to everyone. I think you did a great job of keeping the reader and people around you entertained and I think that as a writer that’s a great quality to have. I think that the ending is really the only thing you need to look out for because everything else is great and I wouldn’t want you to change a thing.
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