Sunday, September 7, 2008

A child called it meets Junice by Brittany V

David was at home, hiding from his mother who was more enraged than usual that night. Little David was sneaking away tonight, getting away from all the harm that he experienced at home. He gathered his few things from his dank cube of a room down in the basement. Quickly, he shoved them into a teeny knapsack, and threw it over his shoulder. Pacing around quietly Dave argued himself.
Do it. No, don’t you do that. You’ll be severely punished for it. No, follow through with it, you need to get away. You’re near death! David pondered and paced. He wasn’t supposed to be standing. He ate out of the trash earlier, and Mama told him he wasn’t allowed to eat at all for 3 weeks. David was actually expected to be sitting in the “military position.” This would be sitting on the cold hard stairs and his hands under his butt. He sighed and continued to pace and finally reassured himself that he could do it.
Silently, little skinny Dave clutched the window crank to unlock the window. Slowly, it whirled around and the window cracked open. Dave bit his bottom lip and smirked a little. He knew that this was it. Bringing himself up, David crawled across the damp grass of the front lawn. Rolling past his mother’s window, he laid flat against the fence. Did he hear something? No, couldn’t have. He made his way to the sidewalk. Here he was, alone, in the city.
Junice was a clever girl, but was caught in the wrong aspects of life. She also wandered the streets just as most teenagers in her generation did. Some people would consider her a thug. But truly, she wasn’t. Junice was just so concentrated on fitting in, on being like everyone else, that really, common decency wasn’t a problem to her. She knew what she was doing was wrong, unjust some would even say. But she didn’t care. Junice’s mother was a nice woman, she was. But, she was also caught up in a difficult life. She did drugs, to make her feel like she belonged. She knew she was in the slums and she wasn’t making a real good life for her kids. So that was the solution. Horrible, terrible, Drugs.
Junice was pretty. Beautiful hair, long and silky, if it was up kept. She had big brown eyes that would glimmer when she spoke. And she had perfect plump lips that shined when she flashed a grin. Though in her hard life, somehow Junice came to be quite stunning. Unfortunately, she hid it. Under baggy clothes, and stains on her torn and patched jeans. Under giant sweat shirts that the sleeves were notoriously long. Under bruises and scratches of fights she would get into. She hid her beauty. As great as it was, Junice didn’t want others seeing her looking so nicely. She felt ashamed, like her looks didn’t belong to her.
So there she was, in Memphis. Wandering aimlessly with her hands driven into her pockets and her head slouched downward. She listened to the sound of her footsteps make way through the empty town. The pavement was wet; it must’ve rained earlier in the night. Junice really didn’t know why she was out this time of night. Maybe just because it was unreal compared to the normal life she led. She was ready to pick a fight, or defend herself. Whatever was needed, she was prepared to wind up and go. She felt her stomach flip when she would see another person, whether they were walking the opposite way as her, or coming directly to her. Junice wasn’t sure that they were minding their business not intending harm.
David was walking down the sidewalk, nervous as could be, looking around the town. Every so often he would get self conscious and feel as if some one was watching him, and he was doing a bad thing. He shoved his hand into his pocket to feel his money. Dave had been hiding it since he was only 3. The total was not much more than 80 dollars. This was enough for a subway ticket or two, food and clothing. But he was going to make it last. He kept one hand in his pocket, just for the security of feeling the money between his fingers.
Arriving at the subway station, David pulled out his wad of cash. The attendant smiled down at him and remarked, “Aren’t you out late little buddy?”
David, in response, nodded sheepishly and tugged his backpack strap on his shoulder. He retrieved his money and smirked as he made his way to his ride. Sitting down on the sticky subway seat, David dropped his bag next to him and started to sleep.
Morning came. David was now in Memphis. It was so away from his home. Junice was back at home, babysitting her little sister and was getting ready to take her out to the park. David was heading to the park too, just so hopefully he could find a family to tag along with. He stopped at the swings and sat down. Junice noticed David at the swings, looking all rugged and such. Junice was concerned with his well-being. She noticed that Dave had many bruises and things up and down his showing body. She made her way to the swings.
“Hello?” she stammered, a little nervous of David, not knowing his personality.
He was startled, not expecting anyone to pay attention to him. “Hi,” he replied standing up, “I’m David.”
“Junice,” She answered pointing to herself, and then motioning to her sister she added, “Melissa.”
“It’s nice to meet you both. But if you don’t mind me asking you, why are you talking to me?”
“We want to help you. You seem, lost or something.” Junice smiled.
“Oh, okay. Thank you.” David said trying to be both mature and polite. “Come with me, I think you should follow me to the orphanage.”
“How did you know I was an orphan… or looking for a family?” Dave was in a slight awe as he asked Junice his questions.
“I really have a sense about those kinds of things.” She said knowingly.
“Junice, I don’t know you really. I’m not sure how to trust you.”
“You can. I’ll tell you my story and you can tell me yours.” Junice held out her hand to him.
“Okay!” David was the most enthusiastic he had ever been. Junice wasn’t friend. She was more like a savior.
So this is the end. Our two friends Junice and David walked off into Memphis city together, into the sunset telling their tales. David did find a great family. Junice and him are still friends, and visit all the time. Dave is happily living in Memphis city.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I- When I read this story I thought that it was really sad at first because these poor kids are having a rough time trying to make their way through like and it never seems like they can get a break. I got really happy when they met though and Junice helped Dave because it made him happy and he got a better life. Sometimes the only thing you need to make you feel better is a friend.
II- The story did seem real and authentic. The story made me feel like there really is a Dave and Junice out there who are friends and helping each other. Brittany did a fantastic job of really describing the characters and what they have been through. She told the whole life story of both of these kids and made it sound so real that it was just wonderful! The conversations that they had and shared made you think that they were actually talking because they were talking as if they were together and were actually sharing the conversation.
III- “Junice was pretty. Beautiful hair, long and silky, if it was up kept. She had big brown eyes that would glimmer when she spoke. And she had perfect plump lips that shined when she flashed a grin. Though in her hard life, somehow Junice came to be quite stunning. Unfortunately, she hid it. Under baggy clothes, and stains on her torn and patched jeans. Under giant sweat shirts that the sleeves were notoriously long. Under bruises and scratches of fights she would get into.” This was my favorite part of the story. I liked this part so much because Brittany had an amazing way of making you be able to picture just what Junice looked like. She described her so well and made sure that she added every single little detail in just to make sure that you could just imagine the way Junice looked. The way she described her clothes too, you can just imagine exactly what she looked like while she walked outside in the dark. I love also how she described her lips and smile. She made the smile more then it was. She didn’t just say that like she had a nice smile, she said that it flashed when she grinned and her lips shined. That made it so much better to read and so much easier to imagine what her s mile really came across as.
IV- I didn’t really have any problems understanding the story at all, but I did have a problem with something. The ending of the story was just way too short. We were in this great story, I mean the beginning and middle were good, but then you get to the end and it just ends so fast. It kind of gave me a problem because in think that there should have been more to it. It just seemed like she ran out of things to say and that was kind of disappointing because it was such a good story and I wish it could have been longer.
V- I think that you should work on making your story ending better. Instead of just ending it so abruptly and just cutting people off at the end and leaving people saying, “ what happened to the story?” there really isn’t anything else that needed improvement because you did an amazing job with this story and I really enjoyed reading it. A tip that I could give you about the ending is try to make it so it flows and fades out. Make it so it has an unexpected ending and makes readers go, “ WOW!” then you would be able to have a great ending and not leave people hanging. I think you did a great job other wise thou

Anonymous said...

Well first off, that story was really good. after reading it, i remember a lot of events and details from the actul stories. i thought the most descriptive part was when you were describing Junice. you used a lot of really great adjectives, and it was really intresting the way you saidd things, like 'flashing a smile' as apposed to showing her smile. it made it more fun to read.

the dialouge between the characters was good i htought it could have been a little bit longer,it seemed kind of believable, but david coming out of a abuive relashonship with his mom, i dont know if he would trust someone that eaisly. i think it would have been eaiser to fix if it was just a little bit longer.

my favorite part in the story is whne oyu describe Junice. "And she had perfect plump lips that shined when she flashed a grin." its so descriptive, i can picture everything perfectly in that paragraph.

the one probem with this story, is that Junice and David talk for 2 seconds, and after all htat explantion behind both of them they just waslk away , and the stories over. i think there should have been something else, maybe Junice, wiht the little money she has takes david for a slice of pizza, where they talk more, but it kind of just stops. so thats the one thing i would fix.

the one piece of advice i would give you, is dont rush it. dont lave people hanging. it was a really intresting story, and wiht all that description i wasnted to see what was going to happen next but i juts stoped. so thats my advice, dont rush it.

Anonymous said...

Well first off, that story was really good. after reading it, i remember a lot of events and details from the actul stories. i thought the most descriptive part was when you were describing Junice. you used a lot of really great adjectives, and it was really intresting the way you saidd things, like 'flashing a smile' as apposed to showing her smile. it made it more fun to read.

the dialouge between the characters was good i htought it could have been a little bit longer,it seemed kind of believable, but david coming out of a abuive relashonship with his mom, i dont know if he would trust someone that eaisly. i think it would have been eaiser to fix if it was just a little bit longer.

my favorite part in the story is whne oyu describe Junice. "And she had perfect plump lips that shined when she flashed a grin." its so descriptive, i can picture everything perfectly in that paragraph.

the one probem with this story, is that Junice and David talk for 2 seconds, and after all htat explantion behind both of them they just waslk away , and the stories over. i think there should have been something else, maybe Junice, wiht the little money she has takes david for a slice of pizza, where they talk more, but it kind of just stops. so thats the one thing i would fix.

the one piece of advice i would give you, is dont rush it. dont lave people hanging. it was a really intresting story, and wiht all that description i wasnted to see what was going to happen next but i juts stoped. so thats my advice, dont rush it.