In the old, hot, dark gym of Mr. Donatelli there is an African American 17 year old high school drop out named Alfred is getting ready to practice boxing. When a 10 year old boy Dave wearing torn and old beet up clothes comes running in screaming at the top of his lunges. There is a moment of silence as they stare each other down in shock. Dave who has been beaten several times and is like a slave boy to his abusive mother has never seen an African American boy.
To break the silence Alfred asks “what are you doing here and why are your clothes all torn?”
“I’m Dave and I am hiding from my mother.”
Why are u hiding from your mother and I’m Alfred?”
“My mother has hit me and beaten me all my life and I finally got the courage to run away and she is chasing me so I need to hide.”
“Do you need a doctor or the police?”
They hear the front door slam shut then a ear piercing scream
“David I know your hear!”
As she walks into the gym she sees David and another older boy she yells
“Back away from my child or else!”
“No you have no right to this boy because you have broken the law you child abuser!” says Alfred
“What did you call me you boxing little brat?”
“I called you a child abuser and do you want to settle this in the ring?”
“O no you didn’t call me that so now I’m going to slug you in the ring.”
They entered the ring in boxing gloves no mouth guards no head protectors to settle weather she keeps the kid and he never tells any one or If Alfred wins David is free! The battle starts and vicious mother gives everything she has and the unprepared Alfred who had no idea that the mother could hit so hard so has to battle back. The battle was hard and well fought but finally with one last mighty left hook Alfred knocked out the mother. As Alfred slumped out of the ring David was both happy sad and scared.
“What’s wrong you’re free?” says Alfred
“I’m sad because even though she beats me she still is my mother.”
“But your free you can go live with some one nice and caring.”
“That’s true I can now live with my dad but I’m also scared because what if she finds me my dad was always a push over to her.”
“I will take care of that for you.” in about ten minutes a cop car and a brand new 89 Honda pulled up and a scruffy man that smelled like old spice got out of the Honda and yelled “David my boy were moving back to my new house in California and your going to be safe.” Then the unconscious mother was dragged into the police car.
“Good luck David I hope your happy.” said Alfred then the Father gave Alfred 500 dollars for saving his son and as they parted ways Alfred turned into the gym were his boxing manager Mr. Donatelli said “I think your ready.”
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5 comments:
I really liked how this essay ended. I was glad that David’s father was the one who ended up with him. It was happy that his mother would never hurt him again. I liked how everything was solved so easily by just one person. The story had a really great plot and it drew me into the it.
The characters didn’t have much of a conversation. A conversation wasn’t needed that much, but it would have helped the reader feel like they were in the story. I feel that Alfred was the most realistic because of the way he talked and the way he acted.
I liked the line “I’m sad because even though she beats me she still is my mother” because it seemed so true. It’s what a real person would say. That’s why it stuck out.
The first error that I saw was this sentence: “Why are u hiding from your mother and I’m Alfred?” The first thing I saw was the u instead of you. I know this is a common mistake for people our age, but it still counts as an error. Some other things that I had a little bit of a problem with was the small amount of punctuation there is, how short it was, and that David’s mother fighting Alfred was a bit unrealistic. I think if you improve on these things, the story would be ten times better.
Next time, consider looking over your work before you hand it in. That always helps me do better on my papers. It makes a big difference.
I really liked this story. It was exciting and made me wonder what David’s life would be like with his father.
My personal reaction to Eddie Mercer’s story is that it was an awesome. This is because there was a lot of action mixed in with some sympathy. I remember how David ran into the gym screaming and trying to hide from his mother. I can see Alfred and David’s mom in the ring boxing and mother being knocked out. The story made me wonder what would happen to Alfred’s boxing career after the story ended.
The conversation did not seem authentic because a teenage boy would not ask a mother to fight him in the ring. What made the characters seem natural is how David was screaming and trying to hide from his mother.
“No you have no right to this boy because you have broken the law you child abuser!” I like this line because ALfred is sicking up for a boy he doesnt even know , and it made me realize that whoever it is somebody shouuld sticck up for a person in need.
What was distracting to me was how unbelievable that Alfred and the mother were when they talked.
For future assignments you should try to make a web or a list of everything people say and ask yorself if t makes sense or not.
-Thomas S.
This story makes me feel sorry for children who get abused by their parents. I couldn’t imagine being hit, and put down by my parents. I feel very fortunate that I have loving, and supportive parents. The part that I remember best in this story is when Alfred, and David’s mother step into the rink, and make a bet that is Alfred wins David is free, and if David’s mother wins then she keeps her child. I remember that part the best because it made me get excited and route for Alfred to win. I could picture a druggie mother, and a teenager in the rink, and a little boy watching with his feature in the teenagers hands. The ideas that are flowing throughout my mind right now is imagining all of the pressure Alfred must have been under, knowing that David’s feature relied in his hands. This story made me think about how fortunate I am to have a loving family.
The conversation between the two/three caracters didn’t seem that believable. The reason I say this is because I doubt that a child being abused for his whole life would just admit that he was being abused to a complete stranger so openly. Also after reading a child called it, David was very stubborn, and tried protecting his secret that his mother abused him from everyone. One thing that the author could have done better would be to make Alfred try to talk to David and question him about why he looked how he did, and about his life.
My favorite part of the story was when Alfred defeats David’s mother in the rink. That was my favorite part because David was bound to have a better life from now forward. I think the best quote was.
“I’m sad because even though she beats me she still is my mother.”
That quote is my favorite because it is true, and sad. Some children who are abused tend to think this way too, and learn to accept the fact that they get abused, even if it’s not alright.
There were quite a few things in this essay that were distracting. Some of the things were misusing (beet, and lunges) of a word. Also talking in third person sounded a little funny, in the way the author planned his story.
Next time you should consider doing a second draft, and some editing. It seems like the author only wrote one draft of this, and didn’t look back on what he wrote. I would also suggest adding more detail. I think that detail completes a great story, and give the reader a picture to have in their mind. Good Job!
After reading this story, I am a little confused because I don’t really understand what the story was about. I remember the African American, Alfred, boxer and David’s mother getting into the ring and fighting over who gets to keep David. I can picture the scene when Alfred knocks out David’s mother. Then the police come and take her into the comp car, while she is unconscious. The concept that is in my head is if David’s mother would really fight Alfred over who gets to keep David. The story made me think about if this is a realistic situation and if it would really happen.
In the story, the dialogue between the characters isn’t that believable because it is choppy. To make the conversation more believable, I would suggest the author would try to make the dialogue flow a little better from one person to the next. When finished writing the dialogue it helps to read it out loud to see if it makes sense. That always helps me create smoother sounding dialogue.
“When a 10 year old boy Dave wearing torn and old beat up clothes comes running in screaming at the top of his lunges.” This line really stood out to me because it is so vivid I can clearly picture the scene. Since you know Dave’s age, his appearance, and what his action is, it makes you feel like you are experiencing the situation in reality.
Something about the essay that I found distracting was choppy dialogue and missing punctuation. The dialogue makes the conversation hard to follow and confusing. It was hard to understand because of the lack of adjectives and either the run-on sentences, or incomplete sentences. Missing punctuation made it difficult to know where to pause while reading the story. Also, the missing punctuation doesn’t let the reader know if the author is listing things, or just forgot to add end punctuation.
Something the author could consider doing next time is using more concise statements to prevent run-on sentences. Also, the author could try to write the dialogue more clearly so the reader knows which character is saying which statement.
-Allie B.
I liked how in the end his father got custody of David and he could go home with him. After reading his story it makes me sad how kids actually have to live the life of getting abused by their parents. I remember how when Alfred knocked out David's mother and David would no longer live with her which is also the image I see. This story is in a way confusing to me because how would David's mom know he was at the boxing arena and I don't think a boy would challenge a mother to fight. This makes me think about how I would keep children as safe as I could if I had the chance.
The conversation between the characters did not seem authentic because I don't think a mother would call someone a boxing brat and no one would challenge one another to fight for custody. The story made David seem real because he was running away from a horrible situationa nd asking for help. The author could have had more dialouge between the two characters that was actually more believeable.
My favorite part of the story was when David's mom got pulled away int he cop car. “I’m sad because even though she beats me she still is my mother.” This part of the story stood out to me because it is how a real child would feel no matter how mean the mother was its the one true mother he will ever have.
This story could have a lot of more detail. A lot of the words are spelled wrong and he miss uses them. “David I know your hear!” That is the wrong use of here. The author also had a lot of run on sentences.
Next time you should tell us maybe how his life was after his mom got taken away and if he and Alfred stayed friends for Alfred helping him out.
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