“It’s time for me to go; I can’t live in this house any longer!” David says to himself. “That’s it I’m leaving.” David took a towel from the laundry basket, maybe it somewhat keep him warm, and quietly to creep up the stairs. “Mother should still be asleep from her nasty hangover, but I shouldn’t wake her.” As he walked each step creaked ever so slightly, but David was afraid maybe his brothers would hear, they were already awake, they would tell mother for sure and he would get the worst beating ever.
When he finally made it up the stairs, he wrapped himself in his towel, and quietly opened the front door. Down the red steps he went, and there was no stopping him, David ran to the nearest bus station. “One ticket to
It was a very cold day in
“Hey kid, where are your parents?”
“Well…they are,” remembering he didn’t have to lie anymore, “they don’t want me I ran away.”
“Oh, so you have no place to go?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you scared?”
“I’ve been through worse.”
“Oh.” there was a long pause, “Well come on.”
“Where are you going?”
“To get you some hot chocolate, you look like you’re thirsty.”
Hesitating for a minute David looked at Damian, “he doesn’t even know my name, and he wants to get me something to drink?”
“Are you coming or not?”
Quickly, David got off the bench and followed Damian across the street into a coffee house. Damian ordered two hot chocolates and a blueberry muffin.
“Here you go.”
“Thank you.” Said David like the hot chocolate was the best thing in the world.
“Would like some blueberry muffin?”
“Yes please,” said David, I’ve never had one but it smells really good!”
“What do you mean; you’ve never had a blueberry muffin before?”
“I’m rarely fed at my house, and when I do get food, it’s because I steal it, or sometimes my mom gives me leftover cereal or something small like that.” David took a big bite of his muffin, “it’s very good, thank you.” There was a long pause of chewing and sipping.
“My name is Damien, what’s yours?”
“My names David.” He said, swallowing his muffin.
“So what am I supposed to do with you? I can’t just leave you out in the cold.”
“It’s okay, I’m not your problem, I ran away and the cold is much better then my mother, I’ll be all right, thank you mister for the hot chocolate and the muffin, I better get going now, bye.”
“Oh I don’t think so. I have met some kids whose parents don’t want them, actually a lot, see kid; around here that kind of thing happens a lot.”
“So there are more kids like me? Really?”
“Yeah, and there’s kids with a lot worse problems too. See around here there’s a lot of bad stuff, like drugs and gangs, believe me I would know.” Damian and David picked up their hot chocolates and whatever was left of their muffins and headed for the door. “You’re coming home with me.”
“Really? You’re parents wouldn’t mind?”
“Nope they’ll be cool, they might be a little mad I skipped school but that’s ok.”
And as they stared to walk away, David look up at this tall strong boy, and he felt safe, like no one would ever hurt him again.
2 comments:
1. My personal reaction of this story is that it makes me smile. Of course, not the beginning or anything, but the ending just gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. I really did enjoy the story overall. One idea that is kind of stuck in my head is the loud noises of NYC. Shane described it vividly, so it made me feel like I was there. The story made me think about the life in New York and its way of life. Since, it is actually really different compared to South Hadley’s .
2. Shane really made her character dialogue sound authentic in a couple of ways. For one, she used slang that a teenager in NYC would use. The words that she used to write the talks that the protagonists shared seemed to flow, like a real conversation. It was very believable and interesting.
3. ““I’m rarely fed at my house, and when I do get food, it’s because I steal it, or sometimes my mom gives me leftover cereal or something small like that.” David took a big bite of his muffin, “it’s very good, thank you.” There was a long pause of chewing and sipping.”
I really enjoyed this segment of the story because it makes me feel like I’m sitting across the room watching the two kids. I can almost feel the awkward silence that occurred after David mentioned that comment. In ways though, that showed how good Shane used simple words to make something deeper.
4. It bugged me that the ending of the story just had them walking off. What happens after that? Does David actually end up living with Damien? I understand how Shane feels though, my story also ends abruptly. Though, for my story, I went over the word limit and I wasn’t sure if that was okay. So, I’m not sure if Shane had the same difficulty and just had to wrap it up. But otherwise the essay was great and I really enjoyed it.
5. For future writing pieces, I just recommend using a little more detail. I personally like if I can really picture something mentally after reading it. At some points in the story I could. However I think it would be better if the majority of the essay did that. All in all, the essay was amazing. Good job Shane!
After I read your story it made me feel happy for David that he had finally found someone who cared about him. I can imagine David sitting on the bench in New York and then going across the street. The story made me think about how people in New York can be perceived as mean and uncaring, but they are willing to help and be kind.
The conversation seemed very authentic. You seem like you remembered how the people talked and didn’t make them speak more or less formally. I really liked how you took something as simple as a blueberry muffin and could make it into a whole conversation that made sense.
My favorite part of the story was when David was kind of confused about why Damian wanted to buy him a drink when he didn’t even know him. I really like the sentence “And as they stared to walk away, David look up at this tall strong boy, and he felt safe, like no one would ever hurt him again.” I liked this sentence because David finally felt good and safe after so long of living in fear of being beaten. Even though they had just met, David knew that Damian would protect him.
A few spots had missed words. You said “Then Damian young boy sitting on a park bench”. It should have said Damian saw a young boy… It would have made the whole story a bit easier to read. There were also a few run on sentences, but they weren’t too noticeable and not as distracting.
You did a really good job, so there’s not much advice for me to give. Maybe next time you could try to use more detail and explain more on what is going on. One spot that could use more detail is where Damian was talking about drugs and gangs and he said “I should know.” Does this mean that Damian had been involved with these types of things? Or is he simply saying that he knows people who are involved with them?
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